#257: How Trauma Affects Our Bodies & Souls

Firstly, my best wishes to all here for a blessed Easter. For a time to feel at least the first signs of re-birth, of spring, of life. This morning, in bed, my wife snuggled up to me and ‘spooned’ against me. She likes the warmth, the feeling of closeness. For her, there’s absolutely nothing sexual about it. So where does that leave me? With the endless frustration, the pain. She is a lesbian. What brings together and binds almost all couples, desire, is just not there, at least in her. Has it ever been? I doubt it. Desire for desire, yes. Desire to be ‘normal’; to love her husband as any ‘normal’ wife, yes, perhaps. Even probably. So I go on through life, limping, with an important part of me amputated, cut off. With absolutely no hope of any change in our reality, in our circumstances. For us both, our sexuality is and has been and will be an unadulterated malediction. It never brought a child, a birth, new biological life. It is and has been a curse and not a blessing. A source not of pleasure, closeness, giving and receiving, life, but a source of immense frustration, division, tension, stress, conflict. Easter, again. Nature coming back to life after the winter. The last of the snow melting. Flowers flowering, life returning. But not for me, not for us. This miracle, of recovering sexuality, or of peace in an entirely asexual relationship, seems to be one miracle too far.

this is beautiful thank you for sharing